V

today was the day i realized my stress is inevitable.

i’m constantly worried about what my tomorrow holds, ruining my today. strange that i recognize this yet my brain can’t find a solution.

but then again, today is tough to appreciate when tomorrow looks bleek.

3

now my thoughts have cleared.

in a sense, i believe i am not separate from my problems. but i know for the time being i have come to terms with what it is i have to accept.

that being said, i want to escape. not for the sake of avoiding my troubles, but for the tensions to settle and things to return to the way they should be. not normal. nothing will ever be normal. just more calm.

2

i’m calm

someone explain what’s going on please

IV

my expectations of what to expect from people have substantially lowered themselves after tonight.

friends, ex-friends, people seen in passing… not at one point was i content with what i saw from someone.

and extremely cynical as that is, it’s honest. i don’t want to pretend to like people for their fake enthusiasm.

… my future worries me and my past haunts me. maybe i can try to seek a numbed presence in the present.

III

on second thought

life is miserable and making the most of the present becomes exhausting after a certain point.

memories will come and go but the best ones are those which i can never recover. part of the reason why they’re the best ones. but nothing that an emotional withdrawal will bring back.

if only i knew what i wanted. but it frustrates me more that those i care about don’t understand.

1

i honestly feel as though i have moved on

and that isn’t just an answer given with the alcohol in my system

that’s an honest judgement of perceiving how one mistake can help her realize her demise and guide me towards a conclusion that i’ve needed reassurance of.

honest to god. i have to think of what’s right for me. at least i have finally recognized that.

II

i know she didn’t

but i hope she made the right choice

I

think i need to start writing out my thoughts before they eat me alive.

started my day feeling like i missed certain things, but that’s how every morning begins. a lonely thought, then a progression towards avoiding that memory.

if happiness is the goal then i haven’t hit my stride. working towards it, but not fully come to terms with what i need to keep myself occupied.

i am surrounded by fluctuation and events, but none of this comforts me or makes me feel less alone.